Death of the Family Pet

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All Return Cremations to Veterinary Clinics are Returned in a suitable container with certificate

Floral Tin Box Urn for Individual Cremations

Fabric Covered Treasure Chest for Private Cremations

 

We grieve over the death of a pet.

This reaction is only natural. Our feelings toward pets are so special that

experts have a term for there relationship: the human-companion animal bond.

 

 

Please feel free to print this document for future reference.

 

Select a topic or scroll through the entire

document.

Euthanasia: The Difficult Choice	The Proper Good Bye
The First Stage: Denial	The Second Stage: Bargaining
The Third Stage: Anger	The Fourth Stage: Grief
The Final Stage: Resolution	How We Feel
If the Burden's Too Heavy	CEMETERY DIRECTORY
	ABOUT PET REST GARDENS

When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. Society does

not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy. Even a close friend may

comment: "It's only a dog (cat). You can always get another." Such a reaction

would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member, and it is

generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the

support of friends and relatives.

 

Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support-but get far

less-with the loss of a companion animal. Veterinarians realize that their final

obligation to their pet patients also involves dealing with the pet owners' grief.

 

This does not mean that veterinarians are trained as psychologists and

psychiatrists. It does mean that the veterinary doctor, who knows you and your

pet, also understands your natural feeling of loss-and is able to offer support.

(If your veterinarian seems distant, bear in mind that the death of a pet is

stressful even to professionals. Detachment is one way of coping.)

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Euthanasia: The Difficult Choice

 

For a pet-lover, no decision is more difficult than authorizing euthanasia. Yet,

too often, this is the right choice for your pet. Certainly, the humane procedures

offered at modern veterinary clinics have a clear advantage over an illness that

prolongs the suffering of both pet and pet owner. Discuss euthanasia frankly

with your veterinarian. Many pet owners choose to spend the final moments

with their pets. If so, the veterinarian might prefer to prepare the pet briefly in

another room. The intravenous drug does not cause any pain. You might wish to

stroke the animal's head and speak gently as the drug is administered. The pet

simply goes quietly to sleep as body functions stop. Other pet owners choose

not to witness the procedure.

You might consider a last 'good-bye' after the procedure, however, to complete

your physical separation. Many pet cemeteries provide for after care of the pet's

remains for your viewing prior to cremation or burial.

 

"Like all vets I hated doing this, painless though it was, but to me

there has always been a comfort in the knowledge that the last

thing these helpless animals knew was the sound of a friendly

voice and the touch of a gentle hand."

 

James Herriot, All Things Wise and Wonderful

Copyright 1977, St. Martin's Press, New York.

The First Stage: Denial

Denial is the initial response of many pet owners when confronted with a pet's

terminal condition or sudden death. This rejection seems to be the mind's buffer

against a sharp emotional blow.

 

The Second Stage: Bargaining

 

This stage is well documented in the human grieving process. Many times, faced

with impending death, an individual may "bargain" -offering some sacrifice if

the loved one is spared. People losing a pet are less likely to bargain. Still, the

hope that a pet might recover can foster reactions like, "If Rover recovers, I'll

never skip his regular walk . . . never put him in a kennel when I go on

vacation, . . . never . . . "

 

The Third Stage: Anger

 

Recognizing anger in the grief process is seldom a problem; dealing with anger

often is. Anger can be obvious, as in hostility or aggression. On the other hand,

anger often turns inward, emerging as guilt. Many veterinarians have heard the

classic anger response, "What happened? I thought you had everything under

control and now you've killed my dog!" Another standard: "You never really

cared about Rover. He was just another fee to you, and I'm the one who has

lost my pet!"

 

Such outbursts help relieve immediate, frustrations, though often at the expense

of someone else. More commonly, pet owners dwell on the past. The number of

"If only . . ." regrets is endless: "If only I hadn't left the dog at my sister's

house . . .". "If only I had taken Kitty to the veterinarian a week ago . . .".

Whether true or false, such recriminations and fears do little to relieve anger

and are not constructive. Here, your veterinarian's support is particularly

helpful.

 

The Fourth Stage: Grief

 

This is the stage of true sadness. The pet is gone, along with the guilt and

anger, and only an emptiness remains. It is now that the support of family and

friends is most important-and, sadly, most difficult to find. A lack of support

prolongs the grief stage. Therefore, the pet owner may want to seek some help

from their veterinarian, pet cemeterian, or from a professional counselor.

 

It is normal, and should be acceptable, to display grief when a companion

animal dies. It is helpful, too, to recognize that other pet owners have

experienced similar strong feelings, and that you are not alone in this feeling of

grief.

 

 

 

The Proper Good Bye

At some point, YOU are going to have to make final arrangements for YOUR

pet. Most IAPC member pet cemeteries are listed in the yellow pages, or your

veterinarian can handle disposition matters or explain the choices available

through that facility. There are several options:

Cemetery Burial.

People have been burying their pets in a ritual fashion at least since

Egyptian times. Today, there are pet cemeteries in virtually every

populated area of the United States and Europe. Many are spacious, with

safeguards against the land being used for other purposes and with

funding to provide future groundskeeping.

 

The costs for cemetery burial vary, depending on services requested.

Many pet cemeteries will cooperate with veterinary clinics, sending a

representative to handle the details.

Communal Burial.

This less costly option is offered by many pet cemeteries. Your pet's

dignity is in no way affected by burial with other animals. Communal

burial is a common choice.

Communal Cremation.

In areas where land is expensive, communal cremation is a sensible

alternative. Many pet cemeteries have their own crematoriums. Many pets

are cremated during the same cycle, your pet's dignity is in no way

affected by cremation with other animals. This is the least expensive

method of disposition.

Individual or Private Cremation.

Individual/Private cremation of your pet will allow you to take time to

select a F I N A L disposition for you pet's cremains. Cremains may be

buried, stored in a columbarium at a pet cemetery, scattered in a favorite

spot, or kept at home in a decorative urn. These options are more costly

than communal cremation.

Home Burial.

It is not uncommon for pet owners to bury their pets somewhere on their

own property, but you should check with your municipal government

before making such arrangements. Typically, home burial is permitted in

rural and suburban settings. A non bio-degradgable or self vaulting

container will help safeguard your pet's remains. Pet Rest Gardens can supply with

containers and memorial stones.

 

In Memoriam

One way to soften the impact of your pet's lose is to make a donation to

a pet cemetery in your pet's memory. If the final disposition of your

pet's lose was out of your control there are ways to still memorialize it's

memory. A memorial plaque combined with a landscape feature such as:

flowering trees, statuary or benches will help finalize the grieving

process and provide a place for you and your family to visit from time to

time.

The Final Stage: Resolution

 

All things come to an end-even grieving. As time passes, the distress dissolves

as the pet owner remembers the good times, not the pet's, passing. And, more

often than not, the answer lies in a new pet, a new companion animal to fill the

need for a pet in the household.

 

How We Feel

 

When a pet dies, there is no set ritual to formalize the grief. When services are

arranged through a pet cemetery, requests such as a short viewing period for the

family and friends, photos and a brief eulogy are not uncommon. Still, the loss

of a pet affects our emotions, and all the more so if the pet was an integral part

of the family. These feelings usually progress through several stages.

Recognizing them can help us cope with the grief we feel.

 

When a pet dies, there is no such social ritual to formalize the grief. To many, a

funeral for the family pet would seem eccentric and a formal period of mourning

bizarre. Even the immediate family and intimate friends may not fully

understand the loss. Still, the loss of a pet affects our emotions, and all the

more so if the pet was an integral part of the family. These feelings usually

progress through several stages. Recognizing them can help us cope with the

grief we feel.

 

 

If the Burden's Too Heavy

 

Veterinary teaching institutions, in studying the human-companion animal bond,

are increasing their efforts to help pet owners cope with lingering grief. Some

of the teaching institutions have social workers who are specially trained to

counsel pet owners.

 

Among the most well known programs are those at:

 

The Animal Medical Center,

New York City,

212-838-8100

 

The University of Pennsylvania,

School of Veterinary Medicine,

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,

215-8984529

 

University of California,

School of Veterinary Medicine,

Davis, California,

916-752-7418

 

University of Minnesota,

College of Veterinary Medicine,

St. Paul, Minnesota,

612-624-4747

 

Colorado State University,

College of Veterinary Medicine,

Fort Collins, Colorado,

303-221-4535

 

Washington State University,

College of Veterinary Medicine,

Pullman, Washington,

509-335- 1297

 

University of Florida,

College of Veterinary Medicine,

Pet Loss Support Hotline,

Gainesville, Florida,

904-392-4700, extension 4080 (leave message)

 

. . . Losing a Family Friend has been adapted by the ALPO Veterinary Advisory Panel from

the monograph Companion Animal Loss ~ Pet Owner Grief by Marc A. Rosenberg, VMD,

published in 1986 by the ALPO Pet Center (Library of Congress Catalog Card Number:

85-73830).

 

Permission is granted to reproduce sections of this perspective, Death of the Family Pet

Losing a Family

Please credit ALPO Petfoods upon publication.

 

 

COPING WITH PET LOSS

JACCI CAPLIN, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.

MESA VETERINARY HOSPITAL

858 N. COUNTRY CLUB DRIVE

MESA, AZ 85201

 

Losing a family member is never easy. But what if that family member was unconditionally loving, loyal, kept secrets well, always thought you were the most wonderful person in the world, encouraged you to make friends easily, provided hours of laughter and joy, offered unlimited kisses and was, in short, your best friend? The loss would be massive and painful. Now, suppose for a moment that you would have no funeral for this family member; that your grief would be ignored or even ridiculed and that were forced to act as if no major loss had occurred. The stress and emotional pain caused by these conditions would only compound your grief.

Such is often the scenario for grieving pet owners. Despite the love and investment that we make in our companion animals, at the time of their death we are supposed to diminish the bond that we had so as not to appear "overly emotional", "weak", or "unstable". As a result, pet owners tend to act as if everything is fine when in fact their heart can feel as if someone blasted them with a shotgun.

 

Such was the case for me six years ago when my partner and I were dealing with the death of our family dog, Heidi. Inside, we felt as if our insides had been blown apart; she was such a part of our family and had provided as much if not more protection and care for us than we did for her. Maybe everyone thinks that they have the one special animal in the one special animal in the world-but Heidi was an extraordinary dog. Our relationship was one of mutual trust and love built on the conviction that neither one of us was superior to the other.

 

Despite the fact that longevity was not in the cards for Heidi (she died of kidney failure as a complication from an auto immune disease), she taught me an enormous amount about love and life in her six short years on earth. My favorite nickname for her was "Golden Lady" because where ever she went, she radiated warmth like the sun and her brilliant intelligence was truly amazing.

 

 

 

At the time of Heidi's death, my partner and I grieved alone. Other relatives believed that our pain was "out of proportion" for "just a dog". Most friends didn't know what to say except, "why don't you just get another dog? There are millions out there waiting to be adopted". Even many of the counselors that I was to did not validate the depth of my loss or the grieving process that I would go through to heal from my pain.

 

I did, however, find one colleague of mine who had the compassion and love for animals along with excellent counseling skills and who was able to assist my partner and I through our grieving process. But the vast majority of pet owners have no one to turn to and worse yet, feel silly and ashamed for even feeling like they might need support. Many deeply loving people suffer in silence, vowing to "Never get that attached again."

 

As Director of counseling for Mesa Veterinary Hospital, Ltd. of Mesa, Arizona, and in my private practice, I have seen the detrimental effects of stifling grief. Dr. Bernie Siegal, in his book, Love, Medicine and Miracles, makes the point that our emotional pain has to go somewhere and if we do not obtain assistance to release it, it will find its own path which, at extreme, may even be in the form of cancer, numerous other physical ailments, or even death. It is important to a ask ourselves what is "eating us" when we find ourselves riddled with physical pain.

 

It is the hiding and minimizing of our loss when our animal companion dies that accounts for the greatest pain. A few years ago, I had a call to my private practice from a man who said between sobs that his brother had died suddenly leaving him emotionally distraught. He went on to say that he was a professional person and things weren't supposed to hit him this hard; besides he had been taught all his life that men don't cry. When I inquired as to how he got my name, he said that some pet lover friend of his had heard that I deal with grieving people. I net this man (who I'll call Tom) the next day at my office. Tom was a towering figure dressed in a three piece suit, trying to appear much improved from our conversation the previous day.

 

As he shared his pain and described all the things that he and his brother did together, Tom started to relax and soften somewhat. He turned to me and

 

 

 

said, "You know Jacci, it's not my brother that I'm talking about it's my German Shepherd, Midnight," and with that, he hid his face from me.

"I'm not supposed to feel this bad about a dog-what's the matter with me?"

 

I reassured Tom that nothing was wrong with him. We cannot dictate who or what our hearts will choose to love. When our heart's take that leap, it is not with all the restrictions that our intellectual mind may conjure up for us. Thus, he chose to shower much of his love and affection upon his shepherd. As his story unfolded, Tom shared that most of his life had been spent preparing himself for his career, which took extensive study and concentration. He had been serious about a woman for the last two years, but she had recently left him not wanting to take second place to his career.

 

Tom confided to me (as many other clients have since then), "The only one that has stuck by me has been Midnight. She felt that whatever time I had for her was quality time and even though she would have liked more, we understood each other and gave our full heart whenever and wherever we could."

 

 

Tom and I worked together for several months working through the grief process. He came to see his loss not as something to be jumped over, but as a process to go through. I supported his process as he worked through his feelings for denial. He really did not want to believe that his dog had died and he felt as if some awful trick had been played on him. In addition, to add to the immense sadness of the situation, he found himself incredibly angry at himself. Tom believed he should have seen it coming, he should have known that his dog had cancer, he shouldn't have exercised her, etc.

 

He also felt as though the death was his fault. He felt guilty for having left her the weekend prior to her death. He had to go out of town on business and had returned to a report from his friend who watched the dog, that Midnight was not behaving normally. He felt that "if only" he hadn't gone away, maybe she'd still be alive.

 

Gradually, Tom worked through each step of the grief process, (denial, anger, guilt, depression, and resolution), but he was one of the lucky ones. There are thousands of bereaved pet owners who don't know that help exists, don't have any pet loss counselors where they live or who are simply too ashamed to admit the depth of their grieving. Recently, Oprah Winfrey did a show on pet loss only to find people grieving 3,4, and 5 years after the death of their companion animal. We must push through any stigma that still may be left about "needing counseling." If we broke our arm we would be hard pressed to expect it to mend on its own. Similarly, we need support for our grief. Sometimes we can get this from friends, loved ones, and religious leaders. But, the expectation of many of these well meaning people is that we should get over the death of a pet quickly. We can grieve at no faster pace than what the degree of our bond was. Not everyone bonds to their animals for some they remain "merely pets" but for those of us who do bond to our companion animal, the loss we experience at their deaths can feel overwhelming.

 

It's important to realize that often times when we deal with one loss, it tends to bring up other losses thus, while we may be dealing with the loss of our companion animal, we may also find ourselves reopening some previous losses (divorce, death of another loved one, etc.), which only serves to compound our grief. The pet loss counselor can help with all these aspects of the grief process since their job is not just limited to counseling after death has occurred.

 

 

The pet loss counselor often meets the client before death occurs, especially if the animal has a chronic condition so that the client can benefit from supportive counseling during the stress of caring for a chronically ill pet. The counselor also helps owners make decisions regarding euthanasia. The options available, quality of life, and financial resources can be discussed together along with the veterinarian's prognosis. The importance of this anguish. One was the creation of a memorial to decision making process should not be underestimated, as it can vastly affect how a person grieves later on.

 

Many of the 12 step programs (AA, OA, etc.) stress the importance to our emotional health of being honest especially about our feelings. We have started to see that bereavement counseling for human deaths is a vital necessity. We now have hospice facilities for people to die with dignity and take the subject of death out of the closet.

 

It is time that we did the same for grieving pet owners. We may try to pretend that our animal companions are merely property but the millions that are spent each year on pet toys, clothing, travel, pet sitting, etc., would tell a different story. More than 75% of all pet owners view their pets as family members. It is time that we allowed ourselves to get the support that we deserve and the recognition that losing a loving, nonjudgemental and special relationship with our pet, is painful.

 

Help is now only a phone call away. With support for your grief, your pain will not last forever. You can get through it and even learn to love again.

 

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